End of 2010

It's been a couple of months since i've blogged. Guess life just sort of take over. Occasionally, something will pop into my head and i toyed with the idea of blogging it down, yet despite being constantly online, i just didn't find that time to.

Before i know it... it will be the end of the year in a few days.

Quite a lot of things have happened in the last 2 months, some nice, some not.

One of the good thing is that i've gotten a job the minute i came back in end Oct. It was the same school that i've interviewed with and i started work as a 'counsellor' (in reality, my job is like the psychologist, which they cant address me as such becos of the registration issues.. oh well, that's another story for another day). I started work on 1st of Nov for 3 days a week. It was pretty short notice but the school wanted me to start familiarizing myself in the last few weeks before end of term so that i could start proper in 2011. Good thing that Wilk 's school term was over for this semester and he could help mind Avery till my school term end in Dec.

It was good to be back working with children with Autism. Things are quite different here. There are pros and cons of cos. The thing i liked best was working part-time (3 days/wk) which gives me time to still be with Avery and yet drawing a fairly good income. Till now, i am still amaze how my net monthly income is almost equivalent to my gross income i got back in SG. But in SG i was working full time, with longer hours and more responsibilities. Here, i start work at 8.30am and ends at 4pm. By the time i get home, it is still bright and sunny for me to bring Avery out. And i do not need to work during school holidays. Employee benefits are also good here. I can apply for sick leave without having to provide MC if less than 3 days continously. I get paid in lieu of unclaim leave (even MCs) at the end of the year.

In general, employees have more rights and we have a strong union advocating for us. For the same type of job, in SG i am working for a VWO which is like charity, while here, i am under the Dept of Early Childhood and Education (special schools are under their provision, just like mainstream schools). Which makes me a civil servant and all salary/benefits are standard across the whole of Victoria. If i were to work full time, i would be drawing at least double of what i am earning back home, even after tax (pay scale, increment are all transparent and shown on their official website).

On the not so positive side, my area of work is not as 'developed' here. There's only one other psychologist there who is also working part time. For the longest time, there was only one locum psych who came in once a week, between two campus. So the management doesnt really quite know what the psychologist should be doing. If i look at the positives, i am free to draw up my own job description, my own case load, my own SOPs. I am left alone to do what i want to do. I can see as many (or as little) children as i can. Perhaps which is why they wanted me in the job, because of my experience, i guess i can help to craft out how this job ought to be done. The management is pretty impressed with my experience, so despite not having the registration (yet), they got me in through another 'pretext'. I think there is alot that i can offer here (which is good) but this is tough, even for someone as experience das i am. The other psychologist has been really good and becos she has not been working with ASD kids like i have (she came from mental health), was really eager to work with me. In any case, i am quite geared up for 2011, there's quite alot of things i want to try here, and between me and my colleague, perhaps craft out a real psych dept and perhaps do a bit of training for the teachers to get them looking at ASD differently. Now that i got my contract for 2011, i am looking forward to starting work in 1st March when i come back from SG (will be starting 1mth later cos sch term is from 4th of Feb but trip home was already arranged).

Now for the not so good part of 2010...

After our trip to China in Oct, i got news about my paternal grandma being seriously ill and hospitalized. At 95, it was highly unlikely that she would recover so when my brother called with the news, we took kiddo and flew back to China on a short notice, barely 3wks after we came back to Melb. Ah Mah was already in a sort of coma by the time i got there. Doctors said that there is really nothing that they could do to 'cure' her... so we were just sustaining her just so that her family (or whoever cared to) could get there to say their final goodbyes. In the very end, not alot of her own children turned up. She had 10 children in all, but other than my father, only 1 uncle and 1 aunt (and her husband) came. No other children, grandchildren other than me and my brothers were there at her funeral.

Truth to be told, it was probably not as easy for some to come (no passport, no visa, no children to help) but there are also those who state adamantly that if Ah Mah was going to pass on, not to bother them with the news. In a way, it is sort of a relief that Ah Mah was quite senile in her later years so probably cant remember any of them anyway. At the end, i guess it only matters for those who care to be around.

That my paternal family has a closetful of issues is not big secret. In fact, there was really no reason for our family to be 'close' to the paternal side of the family. Injustice, nasty words, accusations... all that had happened to our family had made some of us felt that there is no love lost even if Ah Mah pass away. My dad shouldered the care for Ah Mah by bringing her with him to China when all other children has all but abandoned her at the old folks home. It has always been about money and more money with the rest. Unlike my maternal grandma, Ah Mah hasnt really been much of a grandma to us.. and even less of a mom to my dad.

I remember one of my brothers asking why i bothered flying back to China when news of Ah Mah reached me. After all, i am all the way away in Melb... if all the other children cant bother to be there, why me, a grandchild that Ah Mah hardly cared about or remember, bother being there? And if one really think about it, it does seem that I shouldn't have bothered. After all, I wasn't there for my Popo's funeral when she passed away in 2000, so why for Ah Mah. In all honesty, it wasn't for love or even respect for Ah Mah. When I couldn't be there for Popo's funeral, i felt extremely guilty even though i was all the way in London then completing my Masters' thesis. I felt guilty not just because i wasn't there for my mom, but also for being quite a rotten granddaughter. Growing up with Popo, i am ashamed to say that i have been quite cruel and nasty to the old lady. Popo was very alike in terms of temper with my mom. She cared for all of us when Ah Mah didnt, but i never liked her because to me then, she always have a way of talking downto me that was both sarcastic and vulgar. Of cos, when i grew older (and she got older), i understood that that's her personality and she was a remarkable woman who single-handedly brought up 5 children.

Still, there was no excuse for some of the things i said and done, even if i was only 14-15 then. For the next couple of years, she stayed with my uncle and i saw her less... and when she passed away, i was 24, away in London. It was not easy admitting to all these, teenage follies? Well, the guilt is there, and always will be. But i guess that's mine to bear and i think i have pass the stage of ever justifying myself to anyone or even to seek for forgiveness. But it is different for Ah Mah. I think if i did not return to China to see her for the last time, i would feel sad because while she did not know us very much, she wasn't a nasty grandma to us. However, i wouldnt have that same type of guilt that i have for Popo's funeral... so why?

For one.. and most importantly, my dad. I wanted to be there for HIM. My dad is not one who will complain or even share his feelings. But i know despite all that Ah Mah and his siblings have put him through, he loves his mom. And for that, i have tremendous respect for my dad. And i felt that, in this time, more than any other time, we, as his children, should stand by him and give him our support. I know he would never ask it of us, his children, to be there. I remembered the times when my mom would remind us to be polite or nice to this uncle or that aunt despite us having the greatest aversion to them for being so horrible. Yet, my dad has never forced us or even reprimanded us when we don't give 'face' to his siblings. When i got married, i did not invite any of those uncles and aunts despite knowing my dad probably wished to. But, not once, has my dad shown me any unhappiness or told me off about it. But i think, this time, for all the other times that i didnt give thoughts to how he felt, i really wanted to be there.

My dad is 62 this year and no matter what he went through, it cant have been easy for one to lose their parent. He would never say it but i'd like to think that he appreciated that all his children and his only grandchild was there for him when it matters. I'd like to think that we have helped shouldered some of his burden during that time and perhaps brought him some comfort. I know he took quite a lot of comfort with Avery there, his only grandchild. Each time after visiting Ah Mah, my dad would become really quiet (if you asked, he would say he is okie), but i noticed he would spend alot of time immediately after with Avery, hugging her and talking to her. And that would bring a smile back on his face. I know that there was really not much that i did, aside from sorting out the funeral arrangement with my youngest brother but the most impt thing was perhaps bringing Avery back with him to be with my dad.

At the end of the day, it was worth that 14 hr trip to China, with a toddler in tow. I am grateful that Wilk made the decision to bring Avery along with me (i thought of going alone). And at the end of the day, i found that i wasn't angry with Ah Mah for the past, and in fact, even with any of the uncles or aunts. Now that i am older, i realize, grudges are really inconsequential. What does it all matter in the end? All that money or accusations? So Ah Mah didn't do her part as a mom or grandma.. so my uncles and aunts were ungrateful and horrible... at the end of the day, they are still my dad's family and by extension, mine. Does that mean i would forget the past? I dont think so... but i think can choose to forgive them if my dad does. I know my brother do not feel the way i do. I don't blame him and i can't judge him for i understood the reasons. But i've to respect the fact that my dad still see them as his family and hence, because i love and respect my dad, i will strive to see them as mine and at the very least, be civil.

So we come to the end of 2010... I've gained a job, found my footing in the country which i've stepped into just 1 and half years back, and have a lovely daughter and husband. I've lost a grandma and my dad has lost his only living parent, but hopefully understand that his own family would be there for him in his years, unlike his own mother and her own children. And as we grow older, us with parents still living, children coming onto their own, i'd like to remind myself that family, love, respect, patience and.. forgiveness, are things not to be taken for granted. And if we possesses them, learn and remember to treasure them.

Back from "Holiday"

Spent 5 weeks in HK, Humen and Shanghai with the family and finally we are back in Melbourne again.

A few thoughts:

- Lovely to see how well Kiddo adjusted to different places and seems to enjoyed herself. She has become even more vocal and i think it is because of the 'stimulation' the trip has provided. She is always surrounded by loved ones giving her attention and talking to her. However, we also noticed that she is also now more fearful of strangers and take a longer time to warm up to people she has not met. But once she warms up, she is chatty and interactive again.

- Kiddo has also picked up quite a bit of Mandarin on our trip. I insist that everyone speaks to her in Mandarin and typically she is able to reply in Mandarin as well. She has also learnt a few Mandarin songs (from the adults around her and watching CCTV). She is particular entranced with Mandarin Operas ever since our visit to HK museum where they had a display of Opera singers (with piped in opera singing). On mornings when she was cranky, the only thing that cheered her up was turning on to CCTV 11 where there was usually some chinese opera going on. She calls it the "Ah ah AH" (with similar intonation).

- Realized from the trip that Wilkie much preferred that type of hustle-bustle lifestyle of HK/Shanghai etc.. And sadly, after a while, i was very much clamouring to come back to Melb for some peace and quiet. In fact, i was rather disappointed when we push back our return for another week. Of cos, i am happy to be around my folks and brothers, having no housework to do and ready meals on the table (good homecook food that my mom's helpers prepared, things that i love to eat, nice meals outside like sashimi and roast goose) but, i didnt quite enjoy the chaos, the noise and the pollution.

- I did not buy a single thing for myself throughout the trip, despite our brimming luggage and 6-7boxes still left in China awaiting freight. They are mainly Wilkie's fish/shrimp online business stuff, materials for making more of his creations and Kiddo's stuff. Even Wilkie, who didnt really shop, got himself two new sling bags. Me.. zilch. Sigh...

- It was nice spending time with my brothers respectively in HK and Humen. Had a few occasions where we had some level of 'heart to heart' (why i say some level? cos you know brothers aint gonna let their SISTER in fully on what's really going on) talk. Attempted to bridge some gaps and hopefully it works.

- Good to see my folks again, esp my dad. My mom looks fine and seems to be not as obsessive abt her 'condition' but my dad looked really tired and i think could do with some attention from my bros.

- Had a pretty nice time travelling this time to Shanghai, with my folks and also the helpers, Kaka Ann and Yati. Much better than the other trip we made with my folks and their friends to Guilin. They had been really helpful and when we went for the toy expo, Kiddo had a field day spending it alone with the grandfolks who taught her two impt phrases: 玩具 and 买东西.

- Managed to catch up with an ex colleague and her family at Disneyland in HK. Spent a wonderful day with Grace, Colin and Natty nat. Glad that Kiddo made a new friend and got reacquainted with Disneyland again. Must say that she enjoyed herself more this time round, probably cos she is more aware of what's happening. Nowadays, she is quite fond of watching the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse series, alas, which is not showing on aussie tv.

That's just some stuff off the top of my head regarding the trip. Coming back and settling down is alot easier now.. lesser 'homesick' pangs cos i am actually looking forward to coming home to Melb. Not much 'adjustment' was needed, just busy with unpacking and doing the chores after 5 wks of absence (lotsa dust bunnies!). The big excitment abt being back is actually getting the news that the school which interviewed me (and was waiting for me to get my registration in 3 mths time) actually wanted me to start work ASAP. The principal tried to reach me last week not knowing that i have delayed my return. I originally thought she was just going to tell me that they wont be able to wait for me and will start interviewing other candidates. Instead she said, after i was gone, the panel decided that to work around the 'registration' issue, they would just give me a title of a "counsellor" but in essence, with same job scope/pay. The contract would be for 3 mths, after which, hopefully i would get my registration and a new contract would be drawn up for "psychologist".

Of cos i was quite happy with the news. The principal thought that when she couldnt reach me that i wasnt interested in the job or have found something else. So when she heard that i have not, proceeded to strike while iron is hot, sent me the contract the next day and ask me to start next monday. So at the moment, i will be looking at going back to work for 3 days a week, starting monday. Quite amazing how quick things seems to happen.. and i felt more than a little overwhelmed. I think i accepted the job without much thought (i didnt really think!) but when i accepted it, i suddenly realized how momentuous this could be. That means i will not be with Kiddo 3 days a week and Wilkie will have to take care of her, on top of writing his thesis and doing his online business. I felt quite bad but he has been really supportive so i am quite glad. But still, i have not fully grapple with how Kiddo will cope without me at home (or how i would cope being away from her after 23mths)!

Guess things are just moving along faster than i anticipated and i dont really have much time to consider the "what ifs". I guess if it doesnt work out, i can always fall back on staying at home again. It also struck me that Kiddo is growing up fast and even if i am not working, she may have to start sch/childcare soon beginning next year so perhaps it is better this way, for her to get used to me not being always there and learning to cope with being with only her Dadi... Sigh.. Let's just hope for the best bah!

And the result is...

I got the job!

The principal called today and said they are really impressed with me at the interview, and the range of my experiences and skills. The psychologist there in particular (according to the principal) is really eager to work with me.

BUT...

At the moment, i cant go thru registration. Not till APS assess my qualifications and gives me a statement of standing for my certs. And that takes close to 8wks to complete. The lady over the phone was very helpful but there is nothing much she can do. However, she was willing to allow me to send me some of the documentation first while waiting for some other required documents (certified pages of my thesis which is still in SG - thankfully a friend is helpful enough to try find it in my room and courier it to me) even though typically they wouldnt accept the application in piecemeal. That is because i told her i have received a job offer and would like to complete the process ASAP.

So.. how do i feel?

For one, i am really happy. I mean i felt really lucky... i know of alot of friends (hub included) who had look through countless adverts, sent out countless resumes and not get a positive response. Here i am, in a seemingly "effortless" way, got a job just by sending out my first ever resume here, followed by a quick response for an interview which went exceedingly well. The whole registration hooha is the stone around my neck that is keeping me anchored to reality and prevent this whole experience from becoming surreal and 'miraculous'.

Now i felt pretty unlucky.. it is like something has happened to send me flying through the roof and then just as suddenly, send me crashing straight to the ground. Look at it this way.. i am offered my 'dream' job BUT i may possibly not be able to take it up. I am on a knife edge and feeling dreadfully jittery. Wilkie is adamant that i should just feel happy and take it one step at a time, following through with the due process. Of cos, i understand that but my heart keeps going up and down because i am occupied with the thoughts that i could be on a fool's errand and if i get too happy with the job offer, if in the end i don't get it (either cos the sch cant wait.. or the registration dont get thru..), i am going to feel devastated. And i wont know what happens until 3-4mths down the road! That is too long a time to keep my heart yo-yoing....

And with so much feelings being bounced around inside me... i realized i havent had time to stop to think what it really means to be working (and leaving kiddo!). I want to take some time to tackle that aspect of what's happening BUT yet, i dont want to go into making mental preparations abt it AS IF i am going to start work and in the end, nothing pans out. SIGH! Tell me.. am i thinking too much?

Post-Interview

Interview went well.

And the corny thing is... despite how well the interview went and how interested they are in me (and vice versa), i am 99.9% sure that i am going to kiss the job goodbye.

Why?

1) Misinformation from AHPRA (australian health practitioner regulating authority - something like that)

During enquiry prior to going for the interview, person at AHPRA told me that i do not need to get my qualifications assessed by the APS (Australian Psych Society) and process should take 6-8wks. Went down to the AHPRA office today, only to be told that i DO need to get my qualifications assessed, without that piece of assessment paper from APS, i can't register. And assessment takes 6-8wks as well (all in all, it could FOUR months before i can get registration - that is IF they will approve my application ... all that non-refundable money!!)

IF i have known that, i would have told the school about this so that perhaps from the onset, they will just let me know that they cant wait for 4 mths (who will??) and i dont even need to go (prepare) for the interview (new clothes and all..). Major, MAJOR disappointment.

Then with the APS assessment, i will need to provide certified true copies of pages from my thesis which i wrote 10years ago. That said thesis is now currently residing (collecting dust) somewhere in my room.. in SINGAPORE. What? Transcript and certs not good enough meh? Why need to see the title/abstract/biblo pages of a 10yr old thesis?!

2) My own stupidity

Have to admit that i should have the foresight to get all these done before coming here. Actually i HAD the foresight, i just chose to ignore it. I saw all the processes and stuff (and this is the most important part, MONEY) required and decided that heck, i am not goint to throw in time, effort and money into something that will not guarantee my success in registering as a psychologist in Oz. I will just find something similar to do based on my experience working with ASD kids (and there ARE options) without having to be a 'psychologist'. It was a conscious and thought-out choice i made then. I had just given birth, trying to apply for PRs for hub and kiddo, dealing with a new baby, going back to work and finally packing up and shipping out of SG... so going through the hassle of just having that chance of being registered as psych just wasn't my priority then. Shrug. It wasn't like i needed that done for skill-assessment migration purposes since i am already a PR.

Sigh...

Perhaps life is just telling me that this is not a path to pursue further and just move on to other things.

5 years married

Happy Anniversay Hub!

Sorry that it wasn't quite the anniversary we were hoping for (we werent hoping for much to begin with! just a quick submission of papers and then off to have a nice walk and dinner).. ended spending so much time trying to sort out my stuff and then you had to watch a grumpy me for the rest of the day, trying to make myself feel better with sushi (and that spoilt my appetite for dinner!).

So so sorry...

Thank you for trying to cheer me up with dessert and making me supper (and washing up!). I know you have been really encouraging about the job and registration thingy... i wish i have your attitude! Thanks for being there for me...

So.. it is not quite a romantic anniversary but we got to spend the day together... having a nice walk outdoors with Kiddo... and just chilling... I think it doesn't get better than this...

Gambette! Year 6 here we go!!

Interview

This has come as sort of a surprise but i am going for a job interview tomorrow morning (make it later in the morning).

I was not actively looking for a job actually but 2 weeks ago, wilk sent me an advert from Seek.com which was a Autism school looking for a part-time educational psychologist. Because i wasn't really thinking of going to work, i only read the advert like a day or two later. However, when i read through the job scope and key selection criteria, the job sounded like something right up my alley. The nature of the job is very very similar to the work that i have done in SG and I felt i met every one of the key selection criteria listed. I find myself getting abit excited because it seems to meet every one of my needs IF i was looking for a job. It is a part time position (so i can still take care of Avery), the pay is more than decent (more than what i was paid), the job is something i am familiar with and i believe my previous work experience will definitely be value-adding. In short, i have a strong feeling that i will get positive response if i try for the post.

So, i redid my resume (its been a while since i written one), wrote my responses to the key selection criteria, my cover letter and sent them in through Seek. Within 2 days, i got a called back for an interview. However, there was a slight glitch then as the principal asked if i am registered as a psychologist in Oz... And i wasn't (well, i sort of knew this may come up but i decided to send in my resume anyway... try try mah). Anyway, because the position is for an educational psychologist, Oz law requires all psychologists to be registered with the national board of psychologist (AHPRA) which comes under a central governing body that regulates all health (and allied health) workers. This is to maintain accountability to the public in terms of service delivery and standards. This was something that i knew at the back of my head before i came but because i was dealing with quite a lot of issues before coming to Oz (e.g. being preggie, having a kid, organizing a move etc), i just put the whole registration onto the backburner (plus the fact is the whole application process cost alot of $$). I figured i may just find some other job that doesnt require me to be a psych (something like autism consultant or therapist...) then this job came up.

Initially, the principal asked me to check to see if i could get registered and after alot of phone calls to AHPRA about their registration process and making sense of the application, i found out that it may take 6-8wks (no guarantees that it will be approved). Understandably, i didnt think that the school is going to interview someone whom they may have to wait 8wks for (and for all they know, wont get the approval for registration). I called the principal back and told her about my situation and she said she would talk to her selection panel about it. I took it that it meant that's it... so i was pleasantly surprised that she called again the next day to invite me for an interview. She and the panel felt that i am very experienced and they are really interested to speak to me despite my lack of registration. And if everything goes well at the interview and i am their best candidate, they are willing to work around that 6-8wk wait. I must say, i am quite happy to hear that... it is nice that there are people who felt that i have experiences that they need. Quite confidence boosting actually. So there we go.. i will be going for the interview later in the morning. Even went to get new clothes and shoes cos i realized that i dont have any formal workwear and shoes (only tshirt and trainers) as i left them all back in SG (like i said, i wasnt planning to go back to work till Avery is settled in childcare)...

Of cos that doesnt mean i will actually get the job. After all, there may be people who is more suited to the job than me (local experience, registered psych already etc) but i am more than willing to give my best at the interview and see how it all pans out. I am not so worried about the interview itself, i have enough confidence about my ability for the job but my nagging worry is if the psych board will actually approve my application. For one, i am not locally trained and two, my MA was a reseach based one, and not clinical. However, i do make up enough of clinical supervision hours in my previous job to warrant at least a specialized registration. I am prepared to go state my case but really, it all bores down to the board of psych here in Oz. I guess even if the job don't work out, i am really hoping that the registration will get approved. For one, it will widen my possibility of potential work, and two, the application fees is a hefty A$490 non-refundable charge (and that's not inclusive of the A$390 registration fee and possible A$890 for my papers to be accredited if necessary)!

Sigh.. like alot of people said, it is only money.. can always earn back. I know if i can get it, it will be really helpful for when i start looking for job (if this one dont work out). So hoping for the best! Wish me luck!

Being a Mom (and a kiasu one at that)

I have been reading lotsa forums since beginning my life as a SAHM (sitting infront of the computer doing something 'non-child' related helps to keep my life in 'balance'.. sort of..). One of them is kiasuparents.com.

I know... kiasu parents have a .com... and how could they not? In this information-laden age, internet is where things are AT. Most of the issues talked about in the forums are very 'SG-centric' and more than once, i felt genuinely RELIEVED that i am physically away from the issues faced by modern day Sporean parents (from comparing curriculum of preschool to sourcing the most effective way in bringing up brainy kids). At the very least, i am not residing in an environment where i am surrounded (at least physically.. but emotionally and mentally is another story) by people who are preoccupied with such issues, hence i guess it is easier for me to ignore them.

Still... does that make me a NOT kiasu parent?

Like i said, information travels these days and i AM looking through numerous posts on kiasuparents.com... Can i not be? Especially since there is a possibility that we will all go back to that... someday? Yes.. i do worry.. that Kiddo will be wholly 'unprepared', 'uninitiated' and 'cant catch up' with a whole generation of 'well-prepared' peers in a few years time. While her peers may be doing dictation at 4-5yr old, she could be still running around creating a mess in the preschool in Melb. God knows how 'far behind' she may be if we have to go back then for her to start official schooling in SG. I gave serious thought of "preparing" her for going back to SG.

Not just that, even now I note her progress and blogs them down, add them onto my 'Circle of Mom' thingy on Facebook. I tweet about what she can do and adds them to my FB status. Sometimes, i can't help myself but look through the lists of milestones and try to evaluate how much she has achieved, then talk to the Hub about them. I have to confess, i have even secretly harboured hopes that perhaps Kiddo is 'gifted' only to seriously whack myself left right and centre about being going overboard.

But the crux is, i am dying NOT to be a kiasu parent. I don't want to have to 'compete' and 'compare' then worry... But, it is tough not to some times... especially when people ask me what can Kiddo do now (family are the worse offenders!). In fact, i wouldnt and dont ask other people with kids that question becos i think it's rude and set up unnecessary platform for comparisons. I dont want to appear to be 'boasting' if i say that Kiddo can do certain things and dont want to feel stress if Kiddo cant do certain things.

And in a weird way, being so conscious of not wanting to appear KS and worrying abt being competitive, i have started to downplay some of the 'achievements' Kiddo has made when others praise her. And then, it hits me... i am acting like the type of parents which i said i did not want to be either. The traditional sort (like what i grew up with), that doesnt seem to think that their kids are doing anything well (even if they are, cos it wouldnt appear modest) and make disparaging remarks about what they can do to other people.

It is a damn fine line.

I want to sing out praises of my own kid but don't want others to think i am trying to compete with them.

So how? I have to constantly 'ground' myself and focus on what's infront of me, and to ignore the things i read, the questions i get, the internal comparisons that creeps up from time to time. To love what i have in Kiddo, to appreciate her good health, to embrace her achievements and to accept her challenges. To not overthink what i should say or appear to other people and just enjoy all i have in her. To not overworry about what the future may hold for her even if we may go back one day. To let HER show us the way instead of worrying how should i strike out a path for her.

It all goes back to Kiddo actually. Happiness lies in her being happy and healthy...

I guess i just got to stop second-guessing myself, worrying abt being this or that... and stop reading forums for a bit. :)

Toileting

Other than sleeping training... this is the other thing which i actually spend "REAL" effort when it comes to 'teaching' Kiddo.

When i say 'real' effort, i meant having to actually follow a schedule, sticking to rules, and actually carrying out what it is i was meant to do for days on end... I never ever 'teach' kiddo anything else like this because other stuff (i mean like concepts.. eating.. whatever skills) i am pretty flexi and teaching wasn't so 'conscientious'. Even the concept of discipline (e.g. not touching the dvd players etc) wasn't this regimentally enforced... we had a few ground rules and just try to stick by it.

Now sleeping and toileting.. i guess it involves a certain degree of physical conditioning. And when it comes to classical conditioning of the body... there is no way but to just enforced the schedule and carry out the steps as rigidly as possible. That is to help the body get used to what it has to do, and 'biologically' program it in the shortest way possible. In some sense, the beginning will always be somewhat traumatic (remember the nights of crying during sleep training?) but if the body is able to cope, the stringent enforcement in the beginning can actually shorten the duration of 'trauma' and help the body learn much quicker. That said, i will always draw a line when employing strategies like this because not every skills are suitable to be taught in this way (esp skills that has to do with cognition and social/interactions - that includes everything from pre-linguistic to language to cognitive concepts to play).

I am following the 3-day toilet training program from here:
http://www.babycenter.com/0_potty-training-in-three-days-or-less_10310078.bc

I am following as closely as i can but i can say that, after 3 days, i think Kiddo will need a little bit more time to be fully independent. Her level of success was mitigated by a few 'reality factors'. For one, i am not using little potties placed around the house because a) i am not going to spend more money to buy more potties, b) my home is not that big to warrant that many potties lying around c) i find little potty icky to clean and went for those adapted on the adult toilet seat.

The one Kiddo have is something i have in mind for her to use a little older without requiring adult help to access a regular toilet. It fits onto a regular toilet and comes with a step for the child to come up and sit down. It also has a backing plus side handles for holding on to. At the present moment, Kiddo still need to have a bit of help to access onto her potty chair (she calls it her elmo chair after i stuck elmo stickers all over it) which is why, i am not expecting full independence at the end of the 3day toilet training program (the aim for this program is actually to have the child access and use the potty independently). With my potty chair in mind, i modified my goals alittle and i think so far, Kiddo is doing pretty well.

Before the 3 days, she was showing some signs of readiness:
1) ability to stay dry for 2 or more hrs
2) has some ideation of the toilet (she poos in her potty chair and have regular timing)
3) has the body awareness of when she peed or pooed

At the end of the 3 days, i am happy to see that she:
1) is able to pee into the toilet bowl
2) knows that she is supposed to pee in the toilet
3) trying to hold her urine till i bring her to the toilet
4) shows some understanding that pee doesn't goes onto the floor (she cries when she had an accident and wants to mop it up)
5) is showing emerging skills at identifying her need to go pee/poo and some attempts to communicate that (she said "potty" on the 3rd day and actually poo when i brought her)
6) has been keeping her diaper dry for the past 2 nights and during her nap time too (i actually found 1-2 drops in her diaper in the morning, and she proceeded to pee immediately in the toilet when i took her there)

I am really happy with her progress and hopefully this will continue. It is still not accidents free at the moment but i feel it is not so much her problem than something i just have to be vigilant about bringing her (when she is engrossed in playing or i was keeping my eye on something else). But whatever progress she has made, made me determined to keep her diaper free in the day till the day she can finally ask to go or go to the toilet independently. Physically, and i believe, cognitively, she is ready... so as her Mami, i should let her practise that skill as much as possible and not let worrying about mess or cleaning/washing hinder that.

I was just telling a friend that Kiddo picking up skills is really not a credit of mine. There is no way i can make her 'learn' if she herself is not 1) ready or 2) interested. What i CAN do, is provide her with opportunities to learn in life, even if may be really tiring or inconvenient for the adults. I guess, to me, that's the least i can do as her Mami.


Well done Kiddo!!!! Mami is so proud of you! :)

Ruskie (Feb 02 - Jul 10)

My dear cat, Ruskie, checked out of this world last night in Singapore, alone, at the vet's. His health, which hasn't been great since a few years ago, suddenly took a turn for the worse in the last week. At the vet's, he was already not eating and drinking, and having difficulties sitting down, plus really low blood count. My friend who has been caring of him had kept me posted with his progress messaged me with the news of his passing this afternoon. She had planned to visit him today and i was to call her when she was at the vet's so that i could at least say my goodbyes, in case of the event that we may have to put him to sleep to end his suffering. The vet was contemplating giving him a blood transfusion as a last resort. I guess, his body just got too weary and he left before i or my friend could say our goodbyes.

Over the phone, my friend was also getting all choked up as she recounted his last days to me. She said he didn't suffer alot and had made friends in the last year that he was with her and her hubby, with their cats. Though he had never allowed anyone else to touch him except me, throughout his life, in the last week, he finally allowed my friend and her husband to stroke him and bathe him. When he was brought to the vet, the vet said that he was fighting for his life and i believed that he did.. he has been and always will be that tough and gruff cat that i've watched grown up as a kitten when i found him, not more than 2-3wks old.

Leaving him behind was one of the toughest thing i had to do last year. In my heart, i always felt guilty and sorry despite knowing that he was being cared for by the best couple in the world, who willingly took him in despite knowing about this poor health and 'autistic' temprement. I knew he would have a loving home, and peaceful place to be to live out his remaining days but my guilt about my decision to not take him with me stayed. I know rationally that taking him with us to Melbourne wasn't the best thing to do. His vet and i had discussed this a few times before we moved and at the end of the day, his health would not cope with the stress of the move and quarantine required. But sometimes i wondered if i ought to have tried anyway. I wondered if in his heart, he felt abandoned by the only person he trusted enough to carry and touch him. And that i have betrayed his trust after all these years.

So many things happened in the last half of year before we moved.. including arrival of the baby.. preparation of our move.. and moving him over to my friend's. I must have seemed so far away from him even before we left. But, as my friend consoled me.. he still only allowed me to touch and cut his nails when i visited early this year despite all that, so he must have still remembered and love me. That made me felt worse... feeling that Ruskie, in all his simplicity, just simply believe and love me... despite my abandonment of him. Despite all the love i said i have for him... i HAD let other things taken priority over him and now, i can only say sorry about that. I should have been a better owner... a better carer.. at least one who can see him through his days.

I will have to live with that regret in my life and though it does not assuage me from feeling guilty, i am still tremendously grateful that he had a peaceful life, was with loving friends at the end and did not suffer long.

Rest in peace Ruskie. I hoped that you are all well now, as you were before you fell sick and became moody... and back to doing all the things you used to love... like chasing after your esso tiger, sleeping on a sunny window ledge, meowing at birds and cuddling next to a warm body. I hoped that you are back to being as rascally as when you were of good health and plotting all your sneak attacks for people who thought were infringing on your territory. I hoped that you will still wake up to meow for your breakfast and have a nice cool sink to sleep in on a warm day. I hoped that there will always be a warm duvet for you to hide under when you fall asleep at night, or a warm neck for you to burrow next to. I hoped that you will think of me now and then as you lay snoozing in your favourite belly-up position. I wish you peace and comfort and all the things which you had but were taken away from you...

Forgive me... but remember that mommy had always loved you and always will, even if she didn't show it in the last year.

Sorry... be good you silly cat... Sleep well.

(Feb 02 - Jul 10)

Plugging into a new world

It has been a year in Melb and recently, an incident that had happened months ago sort of resurfaced in my mind on and off, that made me examine, in particular, one aspect of my life here - building a social network from scratch.

A year ago, in June 09, I moved to Melbourne with my hub and just-turned-6mths-old kiddo with 6 pieces of luggage and part of our savings to start a new life. I left behind my friends, my job which i enjoyed, my colleagues and my dear pet cat in exchange for an address which i had visited a few times in the last ten years, cold winter chills, no job, no clue of the future and almost no friends. I think out of the things i listed, having no one to count on, to rely on, to even have a chat on the telephone (without dialling international) was one of the hardest thing for me. In SG, i had a few closed girlfriends who will comfort me when time gets tough over dinner and wine... i had a closely knitted group of colleagues who helped me through rough days at work and make merry with me after work... i had many people that i could meet for gatherings and social activities.... I missed all that when i first arrived here.

Thankfully, i didn't start at quite ground zero here. From my 'forages' in various forums, i made virtual friends who are sporeans in Melb and even those who would soon be in my shoes. From other friends, i was introduced to their friends who are in Melb and in turned was introduced to their friends. There was also a couple of old friends and acquaintainces from my past. Inch by inch, i tried to 'plug' into some semblence of a social circle/network... I am glad to say, some of these folks turned out to be real friends now which helped me to establish my first 'roots' in a new place. A few tentative friendships hang in limbo.. probably due to a lack of interest (on one or both parties) to make more of what's began. But it wasn't quite "love lost", and i am comfortable without having to try to hard, and there are still opportunities to build on them. However, what happened to one of these friendships, sometimes made me wish that perhaps i should have done something different at that time...

It was someone whom i briefly knew many years ago when i started having friends through online chatrooms. Even at that time, i do not recalled if we have met or talked much. But we have ties to mutual friends, also from that 'era'. We met once after i came to Melb and subsequently continued to have correspondences over the internet. It was... like i said, a tentative friendship and may have been more if not for something that happened a couple of months ago. At that time, wilk was struggling with worries about his school, his future and of course finances, and he had just agreed to take on a part-time work stint for an ex-vendor from SG, doing market research here in Melb so as to earn abit of extra cash and also get to know more of the edu system here. And for his work, he had hoped to talk to teachers working in Melb so as to know about the state of use of technology in schools (or something to that effect).

From his old contacts from MOE and friends, he managed to speak to some and people had been friendly... helpful... I knew it wasn't easy for him, to try to get contacts so that he can talk to people as he wasn't quite as 'plugged' in as i was. So to help, when i heard that my friend's spouse was a teacher, i approached her to ask if wilk could talk to her spouse. On hindsight, i guess it wasn't something that i would normally had done (me and wilk usually let each other deal with work stuff individually) but i think it is tough to start out and any contacts may help. To cut a short story shorter, my hub did managed to have a chat with her hub. As i wasn't around, i didnt know what was said but what was surprising was when i came back, wilk said that my friend suddenly called him after he had spoken with her hub and reprimanded him. Again, i didnt hear what was said but wilk was quite shocked and more than a little hurt. It seemed that she had told him that he had put her hub's job in jeopardy by talking to him and asking those questions. Again, i did not know why she thought so but i gathered that she thought wilk was going to call up the school (to sell some prodts?), perhaps using her hub's name, and her hub may be viewed as leaking school's classified info? I just do not know why the anger and what triggered the attack.

I was just as shocked and surprised, and initially, more than a little embarrassed because it was me who had made the 'introduction'. Wilk went on to msg her hub to apologize for any questions that may be offending and wanted to know if everything is okie but the reply from him was that it wasn't a problem and it is fine to talk to wilk... We were too worried to ask her hub why then did my friend blew up at wilk in case things get worse. After reading the hub's reply... i couldn't be sure if he was being polite (after complaining to my friend for troubling him with 'our problem') or that it was just something my friend herself felt wilk had done wrong. At the end of the day, i was incredibly unsure if i had inevitably done something wrong and yet, just as incredibly upset that someone had scolded my husband before ascertaining the facts. I have heard the questions wilk asked other teachers and the discussions they had (most of the time i was there during the meet-ups etc) and not one person had any issue... the things discussed was pretty generic about the use of technology.. how much access do students here have to things like computer, edu software etc.. And wilk had never pushed to 'sell' his vendor's prodt or ask for contact of the school etc. And because he is my husband and i trust him, though i did not hear that particular conversation, i chose to believe that he did not do so this time round too.

It was tough deciding what i ought to do then. I grappled with whether i should call to apologize to my friend and at the end of the day, i guess i was too upset to do so. The whole experience got both me and wilk really down because to him, it was a job he had to do (not that he enjoyed much of it) and i felt responsible for what had happened to him. I also thought that my friend COULD have called me and told me off if she felt that there was anything wrong or clarify things but she just went straight and scolded a rather bewildered wilk. What was even more mindboggling was that, the interviewee himself said that everything was okie and there wasn't a problem etc. I guess, in my own insecurity (when i am making tentative headway to put myself out there, making friends) i too got defensive and was pretty angry about the whole thing. Suddenly i felt that friendships are impossible to build in this new place, esp when people start accusing us of doing things we are not doing, and i was miserable.. and without anyone here that i was comfortable at that time to talk things out and chill.

It was also hurtful to our pride when something like that happened... because asking for help is already something that made us feel indebted to a person, what more having the person turn around and accuse us for abusing that help when we honestly felt that we didnt. Not the mention the sense of defenselessness of being unable to feel the liberty to retort because we DID ask for help in the first place. On so many levels, i was upset, with myself, with wilk, with our situation, with my "friend", with this place... End of the day... i just couldn't bring myself to take that first step to call her. I didn't think i could face the possibility of being 'attacked' for asking for their help... i couldn't trust myself to be able to clear up the misunderstanding calmly or rationally at that point in time because i was too emotional.

And as of all things difficult between people... the longer you put it off... the more it felt awkward to have to bring things up after time have passed. Do you talk to the person as if nothing has happened or do you try to bring it up? What if they have already put things aside? What if they are still angry? Days passed and letting things be just became the easy way out. Now, i have made some close friends here. Things do not seem as bleak anymore. I have people to go out with for meals and drinks, people who see me as their friend and part of their social circle. There are also people whom i feel comfortable bitching about life and vice versa. Friends who had asked for my help and who i enjoyed helping because it made me feel useful and able in life again. Perhaps because of what happened, I cherished the friendships of those who had helped me and my family even more and hoped that i am doing the same for the 'newbies' whom i have gotten to know. Now I no longer feel that it is impossible to have friends here and that life is miserable... and feels more confident about myself and my life here.

From time to time, i would still think about this incident and ponder about it. I don't know if we would ever talked again or if this misunderstanding (I truly think that that's what it is) will clear up. Perhaps it would never. We are still on each other's contact list and i wondered if this is one of those "friendships" that i just ought to 'write-off' since it doesn't seem to go anywhere. But somehow, i still couldn't click on the "remove friend" button on my contact list just yet.

Comings and goings...

We went on a whirlwind 11 day trip to HK and SG. Initially it was only an invitation to visit my brother who has just committed a long-term relationship... with a mortgage. Yes, the dude has finally got his first apartment and indeed, a worthy event to celebrate. I think it was also an excuse for my dad for a impromptu family gathering. After all, it is so rare that our whole family gathers under one roof (well, once a year on CNY). But even then, everyone only gathered for 1 evening for dinner and then a rather symbolic eating of tang yuan at my brother's new home (and that was done rather quickly and fuss-free, with store brought dessert). It is difficult to stay under one roof for long when everyone works and resides in different countries. I am sure i have mentioned this before, our whole family has not stay under one roof (for extended period of time) since i was 18yrs old. That's 16yrs in all.

I think out of all my family members, i spend the least time with my brothers. First part of that 16 years both of them were studying in Au while i was in UK. And later, one of them went on to work in AU then HK, and the other in China. As for my parents, i think they see me and my youngest brother most of all. It is all small wonder that my 2nd brother decided to work in HK so as to be closer to them who works in Humen. Now i guess, i am the only one furthest away. It used to be i am the 'fort holder' back in SG, 'guarding' the family home while they are overseas and wait for our annual gathering in CNY as a whole family. Now that i am living in Melbourne, i think i am starting to understand the position my brother is in when he is staying alone on his own in AU all those years.

I think 16 years has probably made us quite used to being on our own but we do cherish the limited occasions when everyone are together. To other people, it seems very matter-of-fact, how we treat this type of 'family life'. We don't make a big hooha about comings and goings like typical families do. Dropping each other off at airports and then driving off is the norm. We would often just make our own way home (or to whoever's place) unless it is particular far or if there are alot of luggages involved. All that flying in and out of a country makes a trip to the airport as common as taking a bus. In a way, it makes us stoically accept that goodbyes are part and parcel of our lives. In fact, long drawn-out goodbyes make me uncomfortable that i frequently ask people NOT to come send me off. I think people think that i am being rude or ungrateful but it is hard to explain that i am really not used and downright uncomfortable after all these years of living a life where goodbyes are not said with words/actions but with the belief and trust that the person leaving will be fine.

I guess my siblings and I have just grown up learning not to treat such events emotionally. We are a weird bunch, my sibs and I. In a lot of ways, we are really pragmatic and non-fuss people but yet, we are emotional too. Just try getting one of us upset (we have different trigger points but we can be very emotionally expressive) and you will see that we are not emotionally dead people. Our unique environment has just shaped us differently from most of the families i know. I dont know how we would be like if given more 'normal' circumstances, but i know our past has equipped us with the ability to be independent, to be alone and to adapt to new places. Sometimes i wonder if it has also inevitably made us more outwardly emotional aloof to people and places. Attachment is not something overtly shown on our faces. Not to things, to places, and to some extend, to people. It makes detachment easier for us, compare to other people but it is a fallacy to think that we do not form attachments. We have just learnt to let them go quicker than most (even if we may not want to) because we know that's how life is and we will just make things work out.

At this juncture, where i have my own family and own child, i do wonder if i will ever put them through the same thing or have them learn the same things i and my siblings did. I admit that one reason why i practically have to defend my decision of taking care of Avery on my own and not relinquishing that 'job' to other caregivers is because i just want to be part of her life in each and every way. My parents had to 'sacrifice' family time for the sake of earning a living/survival in our childhood, now i cherish the ability to give that to Kiddo because i can afford to, unlike my parents. On the other hand, i do want Kiddo to learn the things my sibs and I learnt. As much as it may pain me in the future, i think i will send her off on her own, to learn to stay on her own two feet, make her own mistakes and hopefully, learn from them. I hoped that having a close relationship/bond with parents and learning independence will not be a mutually exclusive thing. It is a tough call and one, i hope i will make the right one when the time comes.

Love/Hate May

I am fantastically happy that i managed to get my pre-order VIP 1 ticket for Mayday DNA tour this coming May 14th at Hisence Arena (Melbourne). I know it is very KS of me but I really... REALLY want to get the best seat in the house because i missed out on their concert last year (make that a double-miss). So better not under-estimate the fan crowd here. Thankfully, i was the third in the queue today and i heard they just started the preordering. The girl at the counter said that it is very good chance that i will get seat in the first 3 rows. WOW! I will never be able to get that type of seats in SG even if i have the money to pay for the tickets. Because front rows are always reserved for the sponsors and fanclub people (who preorder in bulk). I didn't think i would join the fanclub (nah.. too old for that type of thing) but at one point i was seriously contemplating it if that gives me good seats (but i will have to sit with all those young girls...). Anyway, i am going alone. No Kaki here in Melb.. well at least no kaki that crazy enough to pay the A$219 per ticket. But it is okie. For me concerts can be a solitary event.. just me and the band, singing my heart out (and hopefully, taking alot of good pictures). Well... totally looking forward to it.

That said... there is nothing much else to look forward to in May.. and then June. First off.. it is winter and it will be cold. And secondly... well, let's just "secondly" is not something i want to get into. Wilk say i worry too much and said i should 'keep it in'. *frown* Well, not like he is in my shoes or that i complain to other people or what. If i can't even vent to him, i guess there is not much point talking. So what to do? I blog lor. I grumble here lor. Venting mah... shit has to end up somewhere right? Keep inside is toxic one you know? Bladderdash. And i am barely back in Melb for 1mth. I don't really care who is pissed reading this because I AM PISSED myself. And when i am pissed, i have an urge to run away (of cos bringing kiddo with me, afterall kiddo goes where I go). And blardy SIA have to up their fares now. No chance of an airtix for a nice holiday i guess. Will be nice to escape winter... or perhaps check out QQ's new pad in HK. Heard that renos is almost done and furniture are coming in in 3wks. Hoped that he will remember to take some photos.

Ok.. i admit i sound harsh and there are NO logical reasons to explain the way i feel. In fact, i cant justify any of my crazy feelings. Just that it is THERE and i dread it. Best cure is i think some peace and quiet. And of course, going to Mayday's concert (okie, i get the irony of wanting 'peace and quiet' at a Mayday's concert. Afterall, kitaro they aint!).


Hmm... its been a while since the whole post is about ME instead of Kiddo. That's refreshing somewhat.

Kiddo is walking

Finally! She walked across the room yesterday, to our surprise. Guess the walks in the park must have motivated her. Of course i am thrilled and hoping to see more of it. At the moment she is more or less still needs a little confidence to get her going. Most time she feels better if i am standing infront of her a little ahead (sort of like a moving target). Well, but there are also time when she sort of do it on her own and then you will hear her giggling when she reached her target. I guess this is good news for the grandfolks... who has been asking.. and asking.

Incidentally, she is also weaned off BM this week. Frankly, i didnt expect to feel the pangs of loss and sadness when she is no longer nursing. In fact i missed it so much, i asked her if she wanted to nurse today (One Last Nurse for me to remember it by :P). At first she actually said 'No'. But changed her mind a little later. But by now, my supply has sort of dwindled so she only nursed for less than 5 minutes and then took off on her own, and pull me in to brush her teeth to get ready for bed. Sniff. Guess it is inevitable that this day will come. She has been slowly weaning since 1yr when she cut back to nursing about twice a day. Somedays she demands a little more when she wants comfort but since back in Melb, she seldom needed that even because she was so comfortable and there are other things to distract her (i.e. her toys and activities). I guess i am the only one feeling the 'pinch' which i suppose is a good thing. Afterall, i could be dealing with a grumpy kid who doesn't want to wean. Though, i doubt i would wean her off, if she herself didnt want to.

Looks to me that Kiddo is really growing up. Not nursing anymore... walking.. talking... and now, even doing simple pretend play. I guess my next challenge will be to find stimulating activities for her and create more opportunities for her to learn and play. I think outings now should be more interesting and interactive for her. That should be fun and exciting. So is the art and cooking activities that we can do at home. I already noticed that she enjoyed music and has been bopping and humming alongside my piano playing. Sometimes even tapping and hammering at her xylophone and drums along with me. So music time with Mami will definitely continue. Will be more fun when she can dance and sing along. :)

Guess it is time for Mami to get to work!

So proud of the Kiddo

It is the 3rd night in the row that she went to bed awake, with no fuss as I walked out of the room. And for the last two nights, she pointed to her room when near her bedtime (she was also visibly tired - rubbing her eyes), to which i interpret as wanting to go to bed. Seems to be so because she fussed if i attempted to do anything else, like wanting to read her another book (was checking to see if she REALLY meant it when she wanted to go to bed). And when brought to complete the rest of the bedtime routine - brushing her teeth, saying goodnight etc, she was happy and did not fuss at all (compared to if i 'ignored' her signals to go to bed).

A week back, i would not have thought that this is possible. The first 3 days were tough, when she cried and whined. But the decrease in duration of cries/fuss has been pretty dramatic after the first two days. By day 3 and 4, she fell asleep within 5mins but up to that point i was still wondering if i could EVER leave her in her cot, say goodnight, without her going all whiny at me. That happened exactly on the 7th day. I am thankful for all the friends who encouraged me and told me that it is possible to live to see this day even if i couldnt quite believe them at that point. Hahaha.

From this experience, it reaffirms a few convictions that i have regarding managing a small kid:
1) Readiness
There was no way that Kiddo would be able to get through this (or me) if she wasn't physically and mentally ready. Before her 1st birthday, she was still throwing up whenever she cried too hard (even 3-4hrs after her last meal). I remember a friend asking me to check with the Paed when i went back to SG to see if she has any gastro-reflux issues. Paed said crying till puke can take place all the way up to 3-4yrs old. At the back of my head, i guess i thought that's probably when we could finally teach her to sleep on her own. However, within the short span of 1-2mths, her throwing up when crying stopped. How we found out? From feeding her meds... she just stop upchucking even when she cried blue murder as we had to syringe her.

So now we know physically she is 'ready'... as for mentally, she has also grown more aware and showed greater understanding of what we said. Hence it was also possible to, to a certain extent, give her instructions and reassure her verbally. She also started to understand that when someone is not infront of her, it doesn't mean they automatically disappear. She could be engaged on her own when i stepped away from the room and was confident that i would return.

When teaching her to sleep on her own started, her physical readiness meant that i can reassured that she will not be crying herself sick and disrupt the whole process. As in all new things, i find that if you start something and had to give up midway, the chances that Kiddo will resist the next time round when you restart the process will be even more. And i would like to get through this once and for all, for the sake of her sleep and our sanity (i wouldn't want to go through the crying again, if i can help it). Her mental readiness meant that she has a higher chance of being able to sooth herselfand has built up an adequate (i hope) understanding and bond that Mami has not really 'abandon' her. That message is constantly being reinforced in the day night with the extra cuddles/hugs and attention. This is really necessary because she was clingy for a few days initially (but back to her old self now, if anything, with all that cuddles, she seems even more affectionate and 'cuddly' to me now).

2) Routine/Consistency
In my course of work, "routines" have been quite prominent used as a way to help children with ASD cope with stress. And it is really not much different for typical kids as well. Just think about it, when you are not so sure of the world, having limited skills to navigate and understand your surroundings, having a sense of Predictability actually helps you to feel assured and secure. From the view of a toddler, this is remarkably so. At the age when they are still so highly dependent on their parents for every need and having limited communication skills, in a stressful situation, it is likely that children will latch on to something which they find familiar. That's where having a clear, easy to understand, consistent routine comes in. And Consistency is the ultimate key that binds all these together... repetition helps the kiddos to understand what they have to do as they go through the routine experientially with the parents.

I am heartened to find that Kiddo now knows the sequence of that routine and is able to 'signal' the next step of the bedtime routine. Like after brushing teeth, if i asked her "what do we do now?" she would wave 'byebye' (that's to say nitenite to everyone - we say goodnite to all the photos of family/friends we hang on the wall aside from Dadi). She is feeling secure because she KNOWS what's going to happen next and at the end of the routine when she goes to bed, she is doubly assured that Mami will be right there in the morning because that's how the routine goes. And routines doesn't need to be complicated... it could be as many or as few steps that the child is ready to understand. I picked the steps according to what i feel will be appropriate for her age (having milk before brushing teeth) and also sustainable in the long term (e.g. brushing teeth, reading a story to her).

I cannot under-evaluate the importance of having clear routines, esp when introducing new experience and learning for her. Having that over-arc routine which she recognized and adhere to, means that when i introduce something new (I find that she doesnt quite like changes sometimes), she has enough of familiar things to hang on to to reassure her and help her cope with new things.

3) Time
What's teaching if there's not enough time to do all that's planned? In that respect, i am glad that i have a great capacity for patience for kiddos (in general) than adults. Of course being a SAHM is a big bonus because that means whatever i started, i can be there to carry it through, instead of leaving it to someone else (who may or may not do as instructed) or having gaps in the initial teaching stage (i.e. inconsistency). And because i am a SAHM, being with Kiddo 24/7 meant that i sort of figured out her little quirks and if necessary, could tweak things accordingly. These are things that are difficult to explain and to ask others to do, esp if they do not know the Kiddo as well. Well, it doesnt hurt that i am also a anal-retentive nut-job that likes to do everything herself. :P

But ultimately, the crux to the successful bedtime routine is the Kiddo. I could say, explain, hypothesize and infer as much as i like on why things have been successful but the bottomline is, if Avery doesn't want to do it, she wouldn't. And because now she can do it, it is because she TRIED to do it and actually ENJOYED doing it. So no matter what Mami has done, the kudos goes to the Kiddo for doing it. Proud of you darling... *cuddles*

Back in Melb

Took the flight back with Kiddo on my own last friday. Not bad.. managed to carry her in the backpack carrier and drag along a handcarry sports bag with all her barangs. The night flight (SQ A380) was smooth and comfortable. Though the flight was full and there were at least 6 other babies onboard, Kiddo was pretty well-behaved and managed to sleep for a straight 4-5 hours inbetween meal service. I was lucky that the stewardess serving my area was really attentive and voluntarily helped me jaga the kiddo (when i need to go toilet) and came by to check on us ever so often. Much appreciated especially for a 'single' mom travelling with a toddler . Kiddo woke up about 3 hrs before we touched down and i even managed to gave her the meds (in the toilet though cos' wouldn't be nice for her to scream along the aisle right?)

Side Note : Wilk read this and say that i relish this whole 'single' mom business all too much. I got a bit pissed with that. It is not like i wanted to come back with kiddo all by myself for the heck of it. I had to attend a WEDDING of a friend. Sure, i can choose not to go, but i want to. It is not like i am going to be SG often or that my friend will get married again (choi!). Why is like i was the one 'inviting' trouble?? In any case, i don't see what's wrong with me feeling proud that i managed the kiddo on my own for the last wk in SG and on the flight. If wilk want to do the same and then feel proud about that, i say, be my guest. Hurmph.

Okie back to my original blog...

On the first day we came back, it started to hail in the afternoon. And i mean seriously HAIL. The met office said that there would be thunderstorm but this is SOME storm! We had ice pelting along with huge gust of wind and heavy rain right against our apartment. I pity the cars parked out front, till we noticed that it was starting to flood as well... As the water started to gush downhill... we realized that our car in the basement could be in serious trouble. Thankfully, there was only about a foot of water in the carpark by the time the storm ended... not so good luck in some areas where there was flash flooding though. We had some problems too. The rain was so heavy and wind so strong, rain was coming in through the windows. Our guest room was on a verge of being flooded. It was a blessing that we were all home and managed to 'bail' out the water as it came in. Some exciting homecoming eh...

Weather back in Melb has been cool.. and bordering towards winterish cold. Looks like i've totally missed summer here (yay!). Kiddo is back in her sweaters and leggings, looking as cute as a button. It is also good to have my kitchen back again though it also meant having to do housework as well. Still, it wasn't too tough even though wilk has started school. Coming back to Melb also meant having to reset Kiddo's routine all over again. That means no more sleeping next to Mami, no more having buffets, no more having other different people to entertain her, no more napping on Mami's big bed and no more nursing to sleep. Before i came back, i've already decided that i will take the opportunity for this 'change of environment' to take two issues: letting kiddo learn to sleep on her own and weaning. Since i am going to reset her routine, might as well start on the one i want her to be having for the long term.

Right from the start, she was cranky. Predictably, probably from the jetlag and change in places/routine. Whatever it is, she was going to be cranky anyway, i just went ahead and start her off in her new routine which is roughly the following:
- no more nursing before breakfast, once up, straight to breakfast (9.30am)
- after breakkie, a short rest time then it is bathing time (10.30am)
- followed by playtime and a bit of milk (whole milk in a cup - if required, she can nurse abit but not to sleep)
- naptime (she starts yawn around 11.30am) for about 2hrs

Her nap time routine is similar to bedtime.. once her energy dips and she gets abit sleepy, i will take her to the room, close the blinds, read her a little from her book, give her the paci and pop her into her cot. Then i zip outta the room even if she started to fuss. She will continue to fuss for abit before she KO on her own, then i go in to cover her up and remove the paci. So far so good.. i am hoping for the day she would stop fussing altogether when i put her in the cot. Her evening routine looks abit like this:
- Dinner (around 6.30pm) then rest awhile
- Bath time (7.30pm)
- Play/Reading time (8 - 9pm), we will also give her some snacks like fruits and a cup of milk (so far she will finish about 90ml)
- Then brush teeth (i will wipe using a cloth) and saying good night to her stuff (like photos on the wall etc)
- Goes to her bedroom and i will read to her again, and give her the paci.
- Put her in her cot around 9.30pm even if she fuss and i zip out again.

Initially i had to go in once or twice to comfort her when she cried really badly or pick up her paci from the floor but the duration seems to be reducing. From 1hr to 45min and today, 5mins. I think the key is catching the moment when she is starting to be sleepy, having something warm to drink before bed, having regular timings/schedule for nap/bedtime. I think we may be on our way to helping her settle into a better routine now. As for the weaning, she is not totally off nursing (but then, i am not sure i am 100% ready too) but i am keeping for time when she needed a bit of cuddle/comfort, rather than the major feeds (like morning and nites). I hope overtime she will need it less and my boobs will also cope with the gentle weaning better than total cold-turkey. The only issue at this moment is that she has become rather more clingy and needed alot more assurance in the day. I think i can understand why, hence she is getting lots more hug/cuddles and chance to nurse (once in the afternoon).

Still on the Kiddo... she has turned 15 month old and still not fully walking independently. She does enjoy walking when we hold her hand. I've read somewhere that late walkers tend to be more careful and cautious (as oppose to being impulsive). That seems to be true of the Kiddo, who does alot more watching and looking. That may be also the reason why her memory and attention span has grown noticeably better, judging by the amount of receptive and expressive vocab she has. Pretty decent for a child her age. She has also started to put two words together (e.g. baobao Up, or baobao Down - when she want us to carry her up or down). I am still trying to keep up with the words she knows and actively uses. Her expressive vocab is about 30 words or so, of which at least 20 she uses independently without us asking her "what is this?" or prompting her. Her receptive vocab is even longer and for familiar items over a short distance, she could follow an instruction with two objects (e.g. give mami spoon and ball).

Cognitively and in terms of problem solving skills, i have noted that she is started to use trial & error strategies and a bit of self-correction with her shape sorters (meaning she is not giving up as easily or distractible, and needed only some facilitation instead of hand over hand prompts). If not for the fact that her other areas of development seems to be on par, i would have started to worry about her gross motor development. I guess all in good time... but can't say that i don't envy other parents who can take their kids to walk and tumble around. I guess, walking by holding one of my finger is good enough for now. :)

Trip to Humen/HK

We managed to squeeze in a little trip to Humen and HK after my sis-in-law's wedding and before CNY. At first i was rather apprehensive about bringing Avery on this trip because it will be winter and quite a bit of travelling involved (up and down to HK). Thankfully, everything went well and the Kiddo was in the pink of health throughout and after coming back to SG. Dadi, however, fell sick after returning back to SG. *chuckles*

Part of the reason for making the trip was to see my grandma who has been living in with my folks in Humen for the last couple of years. She is 95 this year and i thought it will be nice for Avery to meet her other 'zhorzhor' even though this 'zhorzhor' doesn't even register who she is. Being 95, my grandma has been pretty vague and now, could only recognize my youngest brother occasionally. However, on the bright side, her health is stable and she is eating/sleeping well. Most time, she will just sit on her chair and stare vaguely into the air, though occasionally, her caregiver said she would start talking on her own, usually in the middle of the night. Avery probably will never remember this 'zhorzhor' except through the only photo of us together in this trip, but i am glad at least there will be a photo for her for rememberance in the future.

The other reason was to bring Avery to Disneyland. Initially, i did not have much expectation of the place but the experience turned out fairly enjoyable. We spent a night at the Disneyland Hotel and have breakfast with Mickey & Friends. My brother who is working in HK, joined us, so did my mom and her two helpers (who also wanted to visit Disneyland). Avery enjoyed the food, the company and the rides. She also got to kiss Pluto and Goofy, and took photographs with different Disney characters. Perhaps she would have enjoyed it more if she was older but i am happy to see that she was attentive during the whole experience and seemed to have learnt a couple of things (like remembering Mickey Mouse after meeting it for the first time).

The rest of the trip was just a lot of shopping and main recipient of all that 'loot' is of course the Kiddo. We got plenty of Mandarin picture books and story books since it will be tough to get those in Melb and so cheaply too. In fact, i am already lamenting how i should have gotten a few more but i guess i can always ask her QQ to get her somemore if he is coming over to Melb for a visit. She also got a number of clothes, shoes and toys. She is one lucky kid indeed.

Back in SG

Came back to SG on the 8th of Jan... the purpose of the trip is to:
1) attend sis-in-law's wedding dinners (she has one in SG and another in KL)
2) visit my grandma (who is already 94) in Humen and my brother in HK
3) join in the CNY festivities with families
4) attend JC classmate's wedding at the end of Feb

Will be leaving for Melb on the 5th of Mar though Wilk will leave earlier on the 22th of Feb because term's starting. So this will be a pretty long visit. Thankfully, i managed to get my five year RRV (no tears, no drama, just a very simple letter) without clocking the full two years required. Hence, i can come back with a peace of mind (as oppose to having just a 3mth RRV).

So how does it feels to be back?

Somethings have run through my mind... and in no particular order:

a) The weather & my nose
First thing that struck me when we returned was the humidity. It was pretty bad for the first two days but things became better after it started to rain (and our bodies adjusted). Unfortunately, my nose has also recognized that it is back in SG and my sinus is acting up again. The drier air in Melb has sort of put my nose into hibernation. I hardly sneeze there and was actually enjoying my freedom from not having to wipe my snot with boxes of tissues. The minute i am back... it could be the air, it could be the abrupt changes in temp (aircon room vs non-aircon), whatever it is, i am sneezing like there's no tomorrow whenever i move from one room to another, pick up clothing, step into or out of the car..

And the sneezing makes my nose run... my head fuzzy... and in a short while, my throat parched, my nose red and achy, then the backdrip starts, my throat starts to go... AND if i don't take care of myself (give myself a few dose of Clarinese or something), i end up with yellowish mucous, phelgm and it will be worth a visit or two to the GP. Siggghhhh........ no amount of Vit C helps because this is just the type of nose i am borned with. Whenever i am sick, 90% of the time, starts from the nose.

b) Avery's routines and well-being
I don't think Avery knows the difference between Melb or SG though she obviously knew something is different. Now she is sleeping with me and Wilk, on a mattress beside my old bed in my old bedroom. The time difference initially caused abit of havoc but we try to follow her routines consistently so she has more or less adjusted. It took longer for me to adjust to having to deal with her without all my 'tools' and living out of a suitcase but after 1wk, we managed somewhat. The toughest thing right now is because we are all in the same bedroom (she had her own cot in another room back in Melb), she has taken to 'helping' herself to the milk dispenser (yours truly) as and when she like during the nights. It is getting hard for ME to put her to bed because all she wants to do is nurse to sleep lying next to me, and expecting my boobs to be right next to her whenever she wakes up.

I am wondering how on earth will i get her back to sleep in her own room etc after more than 2 mths of doing this. Wilk and I are toying with the idea of shifting her to my walk-in worerobe area (has a sliding down and own window) but i am abit worry she would be pulling everything out of their shelves etc or hurt herself. Sighhh... and now that she is feeling a little sick (cough, teething, sniffing, slight fever), we better keep her near to us. Doesn't help that alot of people around here are sick as well, including her grandpas (both of them), her dadi and now me...

c) Facing a 'foreign' culture
I am quite aware how 'negative' i seem to be now that i am back. So many things, which may not have bugged me before, is glaringly irritating to me now. I don't know why 1/2 a year makes such a difference but i suspect it is because the last 1/2 year i have been really taking things slow and gotten to enjoy my life in Melb and started to take certain things for granted there.

When i am back here now, i realized how 'out of touch' i am with driving. It is so AGGRESSIVE here! You know the article on the 10 worse driving habits of SG drivers published on last saturday's Weekend Today? Every Single Day, i will come across at least 4-5 examples of the list when i drive. People cutting in without signalling, being tailgated on the expressway(when i am already driving at the limit), getting honked (because i refused to move into a yellow box at the junction where other cars are still having the right of way), motorcyclist zigzagging like maniacs on the roads, cyclists veering into the middle of the lane without indication.... the list goes on and on.

If i didnt mind driving here before, now it vexes me to drive on the roads here. I cannot believe how 'pampered' i must have been by the traffic driving culture in Melb, for me to feel so negative about the driving conditions here. But it is true... sure, there are always some bad drivers but really, i lived in the city and most times, people give way when i signal, adhere to the yellow box rule, keep left unless overtaking... i could go on.. And what's the hurry?? Everyone is almost speeding even when there is a traffic jam. In Melb, when taking 40mins/45mins to get to a destination is considered 'near', i do not understand what's the mad rush when in 45mins, you could get from one end of the island to another (without speeding!).

It is not just the speeding but how people seems to be.. so inconsiderate. Just the other day at Ikea, where i was pleased to find that they have family/pram parking lots, i saw that two out of 4 cars parking in those designated lots have no business using those lots at all. One of the car was driven by a women in her late 30s with a boy who looked like he is 12 or 13. Now, this is a normal healthy boy who does not even required a car seat (much less a stroller) but the mother still blatantly park in the lot meant for families with infants or toddlers, who need to managed their shopping ontop of their child's strollers etc. Well, at least this woman had a child (tween is a more appropriate term) with her, the other car was worse. It was a big MPV, no child seat in sight, driven by this late 40s-early 50s uncle and his wife. They look fairly well-off (car was new) and there is no way that their kids are in toddlerhood nor were they grandparents with children. Two able-bodied adults who again, blatantly parked where they shouldn't, all for the convenience of being nearer to the entrance though there were ample parking just a few lots down. It was impossible that they did not know the purpose of the parking lot because the signs were big and clear. They did looked sort of shifty-eyed and guilty-faced when they saw that i was staring at them while tending to Avery in the car, but the wife just pulled the husband to walk faster to the entrance.

The thing is, there is NO penalty for parking in a family lot, unlike a handicapped lot. This is a case where civil mindedness and good faith comes into play and i am sorry to say, these just do not exist in abundance in this little red dot of a country. Most people looks to their own conveniences and interest first and foremost. Perhaps i am being overly critical... but not once, have i seen the same thing happening in Melb. Even young punks, with their flashy cars, do not park in designated family lots. At least I have never seen it. What's the chances that i will get to see TWO instances, at the same time, at the same place on a relatively quiet weekday afternoon? A friend said i should write to the forum to highlight the problem. But i guess, that's where the paradox lies, i am still behaving pretty much like a Sporean... minding my own business, and just complaining about it. After all, nothing will change right?... or will it?

d) Negativity
That's what wilk said... about my views. Perhaps i am only seeing the 'bad' light in things because i am not happy being in SG. I did think of the things i love about here... my family, friends.. the food, watching movies etc.. perhaps i am not doing enough of what i like about here to 'even things out'. But even then, i suspect it wouldnt make much of a difference because my 'needs' in those areas can still be satisfied to a certain extend in Melb. The pet grouse of people about Melb like not having late nite shopping or missing local food, never did bother me because i am not a shopper and learning to cook what we miss sort of makes up for not having the real thing. Family and friends, i am still keeping in touch with via skype, telephone, internet (wilk calls me the facebookie). I have also made some pretty nice friends in Melb. So... it is all these other things that jumps out at me... and i have to say, it is not pleasant. I hate to be the cliche Sporean (technically, i am not even one but this place has been my home for as long as i can remember) that flew off to another country and come back dissing everything back home. I don't want to stereotype and point fingers but when each day, through my casual interactions with the environment here, i end up frustrated and irritated at others' inconsideration, selfishness and lack of graciousness, i can't help but feel that there are less and less things to like about this place despite their claims to be No. 1 in alot of things. Just the other day, an advert on OKTO, which suggest that children with working parents should be happy for the companionship of a television channel, really strucks home the point that THIS is NOT how i wan't Avery to grow up. Is it me or can no one else see what's so freaking wrong with the advert?

I don't know... perhaps i will feel like i am getting more pleasure out of being in SG when i visit a few more friends and colleagues... or have a few plates of char kuey tiao and char tao kuey. But at this moment, i can say, i am looking forward to going back to Melb....

Things to remember

2009 came and gone.

I think i am getting old. I kept trying to remember this and that... but sometimes things just slipped through my head... as if my brains have holes in them.

For sometime now, i wanted to write down some things i wish to remember about my experience of bringing up Avery... or even things i tell myself to remember that i must try to do with her. I will try to recall them now, before i forget, and hopefully start 2010 with a more organized brain.

1) I always try to have Avery's experiences end positively. I remember there are things that used to make her cry or fearful. Like water going down her head. Or that weird vibrating toy. Or new changes to her routines. Sometimes it is so tempting to just avoid those things that makes her upset but my view on this is, if i make it a habit to constantly remove things that upset her from her environment, i may end up setting up a pattern which will progressively narrow her experiences. And i dont think i want that. So i try to turn negative things into more positive ones.

Most time, when she cry, i would try to calm her down first or distract her. I remember she started to resist bathing because of water on her head all of a sudden (she was quite okie before). This time round, she was crying so badly and just absolutely refused to sit in the tub. I had to hug her (even though i was getting wet myself) for a while before she stop crying and before i could distract her with something handy. Eventually, it took bubbles to get her calm and seated. And then bubbles get replaced by splashes and a longer waiting period between water on her head. Then after the bath is done, i makes sure she does something which i know she will enjoy... like watching pouring water or splashing in the tub. I think when she associate more of the good things with a not-so-good experience, she will learn to cope with them better. Another thing i've learnt, is not letting the crying escalate. Manage it before it gets full-blown. Distraction works sometimes, other times, it may take a cuddle. I dont think i am worried about 'giving in'. I think it is pretty hard to 'reason' with someone when they are all distraught, it is easier when they are calmer so that is my first priority.

2) Sometimes Avery doesn't like certain things, like eating yoghurt, or using a new straw, i feel that it is important to just keep trying (from time to time). I've learnt that having a routine helps when introducing new things, esp edibles to her. Breakfast is the designated 'new things' time because she is often chirpier when she wakes up (as oppose to times before her naps/sleep) and i dont have to worry about her going hungry by rejecting the food since she has a morning milk feed. If i have to start with her just looking at the new object (could be a new cup, a new straw, a new drink - like milk in a cup), that's what she will do. Intermittenly i will give it to her. If she doesn't want it, i will just put it away. I dont want to create too much negative attention to them and have the experience being tagged as negative for her.

More often than not, after a few sessions of this 'gentle' introduction, she starts to give the stuff a try. Of course, a lot of praises and smiling goes along with each 'successful' attempt (dont have to achieve any sort of proficiency). So far this way has been working out well.. that's how i got her to learn how to use a straw by 8 months and drinking from a cup now. Sure, she makes a mess of it if there are too much liquid in the cup but at least she is willing to use the cup and actually showed interest in using them. Once she has the idea and inclination, it is only a matter for her motor skills to be further refined.

3) Sleeping is one of those things which I had struggled with for a while. Avery seemed to have taken a long time before she would sleep through the night. And finally she did so when she turned 1yr old. In this aspect, i gave up my original aversion to using a pacifier for her. When i established that her crying in the night is more for comfort than anything else (i.e. hunger), i decided that she should just have a tutu next to her as and when she needs in the night. After two days of helping her find a tutu when she started to whine, she started to sleep through on her own. Again, i learnt not to let the crying escalate. Some kids can do the CIO method, but Avery unfortunately has the ability to upchuck everything in her stomach the moment she goes full-swing with her crying. Interestingly, her need to suck on the tutu as reduced over the last 2-3 weeks. I think now that she feels secure that there is something which offers her comfort, she no longer needs it as much.

4) I wish for Avery to be fearless when it comes to handling animals/insects etc. I think for her to be so, i will have to set that example. I think she is sort of getting that idea when she sees me handling animals naturally and matter-of-factly. I think it is cool if she has a natural curiousity for the natural world, even if they are creepy-crawlies. One of the things i reminded myself is that once she starts to walk and get mobile, she can go to a farm, park etc and touch and interact with anything she wants. I hope she will get to ride a horse, pet a goat, milk a cow, catch a beetle and touch a snake without fear.

Of course i think it is important to learn about safety and caution but i believe that these lessons can be learn as the child start to develop reasoning skills. Natural delight and curiousity and fearlessness are not lessons that are easy to teach a rational mind. I dont want to kill that childlike wonder by being too overly cautious when she is actively experiencing the world for the first time. And as a first time parent, it is so natural to just want to 'protect'... i really hope that i will remember not to rush into the 'protective' mode and learn to guide Avery in the way i envisage.

5) Must remember to do art and crafts with her!!! Of course Dadi will be a better person to do so. And i would so love to see what sort of things she will come up with. Wilk seems to think she is interested in music. Even though i am not for buying a piano (digital one la) because i am not so sure it justify the expense (since i am not that great a piano player myself), i wonder if perhaps she might enjoy it. She certainly seems like she did (20mins just banging on my friend's piano). She also enjoys tinkering on her xylophone and seems to have a ear for music. But when i think about it rationally, none of these behaviour are 100% indicative that she has some especial interest in music. Could be just want of those 5min thing that all kids do.

I am not incline to feel that my kiddo is 'gifted' in the musical area because she could do the first 3 'la la la' sort of in tune (there's actually a 'tune' and not just monotonous la las), goes to the ABC arch whenever i sing ABC, actually hit each of the xylophone bars individually with the stick (as oppose to running it up and down haphazardly) and pick and chooses the songs she likes to listen to on the iphone (right now, she likes the potty song and everybody song). I think i will still expose her to different music and all... but will just hold on the piano for the time being. Or perhaps i should just start to practise myself. Hmmm...

6) I have been pretty lax in any sort of actual 'learning'. I mean the book/flashcard-based learning. The other day, wilk just mentioned that we should do more since we are at home. The unfortunate thing is... i am really not good in teaching those things because, i am not quite that sort of 'repetitive' teaching sort of person. I get bored easily. I half suspect that if i am more diligent with it, Avery would get them pretty fast. After all, she got the animals on her playmat pretty quickly (she surprised me with a few which i didnt even knew she knew). And those i'd taught her in passing for a laugh (i was doing animal sounds for her which makes her laugh... alot). Hmm perhaps i am short-changing her because she is not going to appear very smart alongside her peers if all she could do is mooo like a silly cow, like her Mami.

I think... if she likes something, she will learn them in time so i am quite okie to just let things be as they are. Yes, we will probably still joke that she has lost a few IQ points from her falls off the bed but i think she is okie. Probably not a genius (or in the SG context, 'gifted') and if she is, great, bonus for us. But frankly, if it's a choice, i would rather she be street-smart and happy. There are alot of things which i hope she'd learn which are not taught in books, such as courage, kindness, gentleness, being loving, friendship, curiousity, sense of adventure, independence, empathy, humility... the list goes on. If she has all that... and end up with less 'formal' knowledge, i think i am okie with it. I will be heartbroken if she has learnt nothing of what i've listed but does well in all her exams.

Well.. that's what i want to remind myself so far.

We are only at year 1... 2010 will be our year 2 with Avery. I hope i remember some of these lessons i have learnt or aspired to do. Perhaps i will have more insights along the way and if so, let's hope i remember to write them down!